Wednesday, August 09, 2006

flicking the pages of life


“maybe we’re always strangers…to ourselves the most…and to be reassured of our solitary existence is the only comfort that others can give....”
Puts a real twist into looking for that one person to be with…one person who’ll be there, who’ll love and be loved, who’ll care and be cared for, who’ll be woken up to. Where does one go from something like that? Where do all the dead relationships go? What of the ones in which one is now dead or dying? And what about Mira who loved Krishna who lived five thousand years before her?

I’ve pondered long enough on this… All I find is that I am exactly where I was before. I am still me, albeit changed by everyone I’ve been with, however long or short the duration. That brings me to another point: were they the ones who sought a different life? Did I not choose the same? If fate is something real then the parting was destined. Then did I not in some form (conscious, subconscious or unconscious) desire that separation, even at the very beginning?

Am I just ambling through the designs of life already pre-determined, destined and karmic? Or am I making a choice? Is this really MY life?

20 comments:

satya said...

First, I love the picture.

I like the questions you raise, particularly that quote you use at the start of the post and I think now that I have read it, that it is so true.

We need others to actually be reminded of the fact that we were born alone (what happens to twins and stuff), we dream alone (Joseph Conrad) and we die alone (Satyabrat Sinha and maybe trillion others).

So much of poetry and the love stories actually lay so much emphasis on the unity of bodies aiming perhaps at the unity of the souls or the doing away of this solitariness. Refer to the rich body of soul-mate literature!

Where do dead relationships go?

I think we move from one relationship to another as an extended run, we just start where we left off, raped by the earlier experience or enriched however you wish to interpret it. Its like each individual is a opening batsman who stays on the crease till the end of the innings, and while his partners get out, a new one comes and he goes on and on till the last man is out or till he is out.

In the end, my opinion is that we are all along single entities who may start of with the romanticism of a unity of souls but with the wretchedness, or even the reward for that matter, of relationships (which are ironically the ones which remind of of your loneliness) we realize that our sole function is pure self aggrandizment (affection wise atleast) and self perpetuation or more cynically, clocking the time you have on earth.

Abhigyan said...

What's life without a passion to die for...Have often pondered, and 'I can ponder'...I do tend to get caught in the rat-race, thinking of success, failure. looking for soul in a job, or mateship, or friendship, or whatever...
But then I hear of a Pakistan arming itself for a nuclear attack capable of wiping out New Delhi without notice, of mosquite being the most dangerous animal species in the world (followed by King Cobra)..and then I realise enjoy the fun till it lasts..

satya said...

yeah, abhigyan passion fine.

does passion run out? is there a time when you have had enough of 'passion'?

and we talking mates here.

what do you do then? find a new 'passion'......

xanjukta said...

enough has never been enough... each time the person walked away, i felt there was more...i have never wanted to walk away from anyone... passion never ends...that's what i find, and that scares the hell out of me... it feels like something is wrong with me... i mean of course, i don't want to get back with my first, second or third...whatever the number boyfriend now, but i mean, if he wouldn't have walked away, i would have been there and equally happy... i don't know how to put this in exact words, but i'm guessing you get what i'm saying... there is a cumulative of the past days, but even then each day is a completely new experience for me... i guess, enough will never be enough...

xanjukta said...

Satya-san... when does the batsman know that he's out? (in the realm of reletionships, and when he's out what happens to him... does he get all bitter and lifeless???)

Abhigyan said...

I think you should watch KANK to figure out what to do when passion runs out..find the loser closest to you..hehe..

And these days batsmen don't walk..they have to be given out by the umpire, whether they're genuinely out or not....

svety said...

Hi Xanjukta, came upon ur blog via Satya's.

U have an extremely interesting way of looking at the most simplest of things and since that is so contrary to the norm, it is most engrossing...

This is something DH Lawrence wrote (my personal favourite). Thought it might be apt for the current discussion


"This is what I believe:

That I am I.

That my soul is a dark forest.

That my known self will never be
more than a little clearing in the forest.

That gods, strange gods,

come forth from the forest into
the clearing of my known self,

and then go back.

That I must have the courage to let them come and go.

That I will never let mankind put anything over me,

but that I will try always to recognize

and submit to the gods in me and

the gods in other men and women.

There is my creed."

Abhigyan said...

Its a sexy poem..Put it up on ur blog too Svety....

And why is Xanjukta absent from all recent blogging activity...or we have become too Hindi-filmish...

svety said...

its already up on my blog dude. has been for quite some time.....just goes to show how seriously u take my blog darling

xanjukta said...

Hellos to one and all... (please to be read the hellos in pucca west delhi punju red Hyundai accent)
to answer abhi, i have been missing from the blogging because i have been busy being anxious about leaving, packing for leaving and winding up my life here so far because i'm leaving... all i know is that i'll be online at the academy for the next four months, so i'm meeting real people in the meanwhile who i won't be seeing till december cos i don't have any leave... humph...phew...! it is tiring to explain...maybe that's one of the reasons why i don't get back with ex-boyfriends... there'll be too many questions that i'll have to answer...too many explanations...

Svety, ol'boy DH was right i guess... but i'm not sure about poets, they seems to have a facility for twisting emotions..they are the real conjurors..

and abhi...i'm about to write what i think of the hindi fillums soon...

Gladiator said...

Why would one walk away on purpose from something that is dear? its just turn of events. cest la vie merveilleuse

i never did well in relationships..just let things go coz i was too busy with my own world.
All along, in all the pockets of time, i always thought about my 'could be- soulmates' that i lost along teh way...hmmm.. i walked away too..
Relationships need sticking around..and thats been the hurdle.

That you would have been equaly happy with anyone...I am sure the ones that walked away would have thought on similar lines..at least some, i am sure.

In all the (N-1) experiences, did u walk away from some too?

Till you find that Nth/final soulmate / the chosen one.. ,nothing wrong Xan. just keep the batteries charged.

Strength & Honor!

abhay k said...

Hi,
you would soon get so busy with the life in the Academy that there would hardly be any time to flick the pages of life and so there would be new faces in your journey of life and they will give you company for a while and then...so on and so forth...go on!

xanjukta said...

#Hey abhay...welcome back... how are you? have been concerned about you, considering the recent spate of events in your life..

#Gladiator...interesting name... no i haven't walked away from anyone except for once...and i saw how devastated he was, and that was ten years ago... therefore i await the devastation myself and let others walk away... At least i can see the loved one walk away happy...

Gary said...

Well, not knowing it all - I would say that you have to approach this as your life and as your choices...while surrendering to the results.

But what do I know :)

xanjukta said...

Gary, maybe you know it all... from experience...

Anonymous said...

I find the comments extremely interesting - mostly, an insight into the complexities of the human mind. I find xanjukta's comments an apt representation of the quote she uses in her bolg. The complexities of human emotions and the turmoil of the thoughts, more often then not, makes us think...a lot of introspection I guess, but then again do we get enriched from such introspection's or we again tread similar paths?

Also, there is an added emphasis of the self with respect to the other. Even Satya agrees to that I guess. But think about it. If we are to be reminded that we are born alone or that we dream alone or whether love is the unison of mind and soul, is it not the imagined entity of the other, which makes us realize such things.

Humans as companions or soul mates, be it temporal or with some degree of permanence, all have similar thoughts. The other needs to conform.....

Dead relations....right....they dont go anywhere....they stay right with you....and surface when you dont need to think about them, but are forced to....recall the last time when you are alone....when you again thought of that elusive person....what could have been? Why is never was?

Thats ur dead relationship...right there, always.

Xanjukta's comments in that regard do open a door....into her thought process. What I like about your comments was a) they are candid, b)you do actually consider the other before you take your own self into consideration. In short, you gain so much in your pain and your hurt.

I know not many would see that from your point of view, but, it nevertheless, is your own and is beautiful.

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