Sunday, May 21, 2006

Rear...as in to aid growth, but also as in posterior anatomy

Not a moment’s respite…this woman, my mother they say…I don’t know for sure. I’ve been told that she gave birth…but it is only hearsay that she gave birth to me…could have been anyone else…I have to take it in good faith…what if I chose not to? Ah! That is what ails people around me here…because I have chosen not to: a choice that not many make; because people like the stable cocoon of a past, any past, and an equally verifiable illusion of a future. The present is a forgotten bastard, tucked away due to the pressures of societal shame (unwed mother; you hussy!), staring right at your face, but you ignore him to look elsewhere. His face is both ugly and beautiful, you are scared. Present is what is, past may be reconstructed and the future maybe embellished.

She wants to be my mother, she needs it, she attempts…to be a bad mother, she succeeds…she dangles carrots, and she fails…she hurls abuses. It is fun for me being as detached as I am right now. You called it “nishkam dharm” the other day; knowing more than me, I guess you are allowed to make observations…I don’t know what it is. All I know for sure is that I’m not bothered by anything…I retort when I feel like, with full conviction and I stay quiet with every cell in my being when I want to. I simply love the fact that I have a choice…and that I am exercising it. Actually, words do not make any sense when I try to say what I really want to say. It’s not as if I love that fact that I have a choice, or that I have a choice or even that I’m exercising my right to chose…I’m just doing it…just being here, right now, almost automatic.

8 comments:

pri said...

as it is said one is condemned to
be free.
any ways u seem to be a sensitive and daring rebel,who truly understand the vanity of life.
it was pleasure reading ur comment over" present"

xanjukta said...

It's not just the vanity of life, but the sheer absurdity of it...

rehan said...

hey what do you do in govt

xanjukta said...

Rehan!
it's top secret stuff...let's say the Indian government thrives cos i'm in it....
what do you do?

rehan said...

now this is not done .do u want to sound mysterious.i do fun!"as amazing outside" why no pictures of u on ur otherwise interesting blog....some really sexy photos r must for ur fans . would like to meet u

xanjukta said...

Rehan,
Haven't been able to upload my own pictures... have tried..but gave up soon. Gald you do fun! I used to, but i'm swamped with work these days. you go ahead and have fun... i'll open the door and step outside later.

pri said...

beautiful thoughts and pretty photograph.

xanjukta said...

thank you priyadarshini...